Jean's Big Ass Blog!

Blog Entry #11         The Fuck It - Life's Too Short! Diet

I know that life is unpredictable, at best. I know that death is inevitable. I also know that it could happen to any of us at any time in our lives; healthy diet or not. But what I CANNOT understand is why I have to know so many people who have died or are beginning their process of dying, all at the same time! 

And that's why I just ate 3, huge cupcakes, covered in thick, pink frosting. Why the fuck NOT? It was either eat 3 huge cupcakes or kick the same cat that I was in such distress over losing just a couple of weeks ago - which would have seemed psychotic after all the effort to find him. I couldn't have bared seeing his perplexed kitty expression and I wouldn't have been able to explain it to him - I don't speak CATonese - so I ate the cup cakes. And by cup I mean HUGE, French style coffee bowls -  because in my food world, BIG really IS better.

You see, in addition to saying goodbye to 4 friends in the past 1.5 years - one just a few days ago - in the past 4 days, I've heard about 2 friends who are terminally ill with cancer, 2 who have suffered aneurysms and are now in coma's, and one who is making his hospice plans after a 2 year fight with non-specific carcinoma.

Today, it got very "specific" for him. It is now in his kidney's, lymph nodes and other places that I couldn't take in after hearing about the first 2.

I couldn't take it! I had to do something about it! So naturally, I posted a pathetic, Debbie Downer "when will all this bad news end" update on facebook, but then all of the "who died now?" questions came pouring in. I know that these friends didn't mean to seem insensative, but given the tender state of grief that I'm feeling, I just wanted to slap each of them and remind them that we are talking about people dying - not another lost pet!  So, I deleted the post and angrily began frosting the cup cakes that I made for my birthday.

When I made those cupcakes, I promised myself that I'd be VERY disciplined about when and how I would enjoy them. I made them to honor and love myself on my 54th year of life, believing that I had every right to celebrate with a bit of sweetness.

Well, today that Namaste bullshit went right out the window! The way I saw it, I had 2 choices: 1.  Kick the cat who was driving me crazy to let him outside or 2. Eat the stupid cupcakes. It didn't take me long to decide.

I frosted the first one so angrily that it crumbled. The frosting was too hard, so I tossed it into the microwave for 20 seconds. That worked. I was now able to frost 3 of them in rapid, Lucy & Ethel at the candy factory precision.  I took a couple of coffee bean extract capsules just so I wouldn't regret it too much later.

I stood over my kitchen island consuming each cupcake without one ounce of regret, guilt or shame. I cried. I ate. And then after a big glass of skim milk, I wiped my tears and my mouth and let the cat out.

I don't feel better, but I do feel a bit calmer. Probably the sugar coursing through my veins, tarring my arteries which will likely cause some sort of cancer within a year.

At least now I know how it all happens: Grief---------> Bad Food Choices---------> Cancer-----------> Death.

Please put me in something slimming for the viewing. It's all I ask.

Next week: Dealing with Grief in a Healthy Manner. Maybe.

Please pray for David B., Ernie V., Eddie G. and Jimmy M.

I'm still so sad and angry, I can't even bring myself to tell you how wonderful these men are. I'll do that soon.