Jean's Big Ass Blog!

Blog Entry #6.               The Call Back Diet                                   

Don't judge me. There are times when you just have to reward yourself for a job, possibly, well done.  Today, I had the opportunity to do a call back for the play I auditioned for last week. I'll find out just how "well done" a job I did in a week or so, when they make their casting decisions. In the meantime,  I am very happy to have auditioned twice for a play as meaty and funny as this one, for a director with a very impressive resume, whom I'd never met prior to the first audition. When all of that is on the table, it's time for a mini celebration - in the form of chocolate. And only ONE piece of chocolate!

Proud of me? Don't be. I found that one piece of chocolate in the Barcalounger while fiendishly hunting for that #$%&! nail polish that I wore at the first audition! (pant, sweat, stub toe, pant some more)

YAY! I found the nail polish and went to the coveted  call back!

I think all that frustration is worthy of a piece of chocolate, don't you? You can bet your life that if there were 2 or 3 or 10 pieces of chocolate I likely would have eaten them all. So, it was a big ass deal that I waited until I got home to eat that one stinking piece of chocolate! I also had a glass of wine. I only have a drink at home when I have company, and after auditions or performances, to "come down", as it were. Yes sir, I can finally kick off my sensible shoes, cut myself out of my Spanx, open that ONE piece of chocolate and consume the remaining calaries for the day in the form of a crisp, unpretentious but formidable for it's vintage, white wine.

Now, let's review the audition. Like many actors, I question every choice I make at the call back.  Mainly because it's my last chance to get the role. That's it. But deep down I know it's pointless to bother with doubts because whatever I think worked or didn't work could be miles off from what the director thought worked or didn't work.  On top of that, this very nice, young, organized director with a very impressive resume, was very hard to read. He had me read 1 scene with 1 other actor and 1 monologue from the play. That's it and no 2nd reads on either. In and out in about 8 minutes. (insert sex joke here) Just like the first audition.

So, the question becomes - Was I released early because he loved me and didn't need to see any more from me? Or was I released early because he hated me and didn't want to see any more from me? Ooooh, yeah. It's like that. It's even worse at times, but I don't want to scare you off.  Some of this neurotic musing is designed to entertain you, and some is real. You'll never know which is which. That's all the power I have at the moment and I'm holding on to it.

This level of doubt does not happen as frequently for other experienced actors who audition 5 or more times per week in New York, Chicago or LA. Those actors are auditioning for stage, film, television and radio on a regular basis. Well, let's just say, they audition much more often than actors in Cleveland, anyway. If they are really good, well known for their work and connected, they barely have time to obsess about auditions. Those of us in the hinter lands take our opportunities to heart. And after the audition, we have to live among the close knit acting community, hoping we can survive the let down until the next loin-girding opportunity.

So, after a piece of chocolate and a glass of wine, the next logical thought is - "I was FANTASTIC! Why do I doubt myself? Silly, magnificent Diva!"  Then I slap myself, get into my prettiest jammies and re-paint my nails that I smudged rushing out the door earlier. 

It really was a pretty triumphant day in small measure. While hunting for that damned nail polish, I found that 1, precious piece of creamy, Hershey's milk chocolate "Nugget", sprinkled with shards of almonds...and toffee and wrapped in shiny gold foil, like a miniature bar of 24K gold, glistening in the dusty darkness of my milk chocolate brown, leather Barcalounger recliner.  *sigh*   Why couldn't there have been TWO pieces of chocolate? 

Um...what was I talking about?  OH! Not only did I find the piece of chocolate, I ALSO FOUND THE REMOTE CONTROL THAT WAS MISSING FOR 2 WEEKS! WOOHOO! You'd have thought I found an entire bag of that chocolate when I found that thing. It happens to be the color of dark chocolate.    

   If only it could change this...                         and this...                               and this.....

      

and MY BIG ASS!     Maybe I need D batteries.  Maybe Ron Popeil will invent something.  Hurry Ron.

Ah well, maybe the remote can't magically change my unwanted parts. I am lucky to have found 2 out of 3 things that I needed today. Everything but my cat. My Weirdo. If he had come home today would my good lucky mojo have expired, making it impossible to be rewarded with my cat and an acting role? Is that how it works? I used to be a fairly 'glass half full' sort of person. I used to be fairly giddy while everyone else in the room was jaded, cynical and full of fear, and I used to wonder "what happened to those people to make them so insecure?" Now    I know. They were aging, gaining weight and searching for the one source of affection that has suddenly disappeared.

Look, I  know I'm being ridiculous. I know that I'm a very fortunate woman in many ways. 1. I have a loving family. Well - it's large enough to do the rounds and stay in one place just long enough before things get too ugly, anyway. 2. I have a large handful of loyal friends. I used to have more friends, but I don't need a lot of friends. I need loyal ones. 3. In one form or another, I do what I love for a living.  4. I work from home...hell ...5. ...I HAVE a home!  6. I have my health...mostly. And 7. I have the privilege of being fat enough to go on a diet while much of the world is starving. 

Did you know that there are roughly 7 billion people in the world? With an estimated 925 million being under-fed/under-nourished (13.1 percent), that means almost 1 in 7 people are hungry on a daily basis.  Sobering information as I sip my $6 wine.

So, at the end of this day, and every day, I know how fortunate I am to be a whiny actor who just had an opportunity, a meal and a glass of wine. 

I know it's all ridiculous on many levels, but as long as I'm here, playing in this sand box, I'm going to have my occasional gripes about how often I get to play and when I can get the prettiest bucket. HA! See what I did there? Bucket - aka butt, ass, derriere! oooookay, i'm finished.

Ya know, typing to you makes me feel better. The wine helps too. I can now put my audition, my remote and my fears in their proper place - for now.

Damn - Where is that cat?