Blog Entry #2

WOOHOO! Another 2 days, another lb and a trip to the BIGkini undies drawer!

You know those bikini undies that are shaped like bikinis but bigger than anything you'll ever see on a Victoria's Secret model? A friend came up with a great name for big girl underwear- Victoria's BIG Secret. Gotta love it.

I know it may seem premature, but I feel better already being 3 lbs. lighter in just 3 days. Shut up! I DO! I am wearing the bigkinis that I bought a few years ago, but haven't worn because they couldn't negotiate their way around my muffin top. "Above or Under!??" cried the poor leopard panties. "I CAN'T DECIDE! PUT ME BACK IN THE DRAWER YOU CRUEL BITCH!" So, I did. Don't be alarmed. When you live alone, lots of things talk to you so you don't go crazy. Take your time with that one. Eventually, it'll make sense.

Last night at about 5am (trying to ween myself off of Sominex. It's not working.) I downloaded my new conscience: My Fitness Pal, as recommended by Carol Gerace Martinsen. And may I say how moved and excited I am about all of the support I've received on fb. I am working on a way to make all of those soulful connections live and in person some day. Until then, there is nothing more powerful than the "Go Girls" and "You are beautiful inside and out" comments fueling my effort to keep on keepin' on. I heart you all.

Back to the food tracking: I love that you can find every single food brand on this app and compile your weekly intake, meal by meal, and every single thing that you are doing to aid your weight loss. Weight Watchers offers the same thing for a fee. I like this fee way mo bettah! It makes it easier to spend lots of money on fresh fruits and vegis that are out of season and getting more expensive every day. I also count the tracking activity as aerobic exercise! It takes A LOT of effort to input a lie and then go back and tell the truth about my daily meals. I mean WHO am I lying to? UHM -  MYSELF! So, no more lying on the My Fitness Pal app. It's worth the very short time it takes to input what you put in every day - especially if you don't have to do it TWICE!

I also re-ordered the Raspberry Ketones that I bought a year ago but never took consistently. It's another healthy, Dr. Oz recommended supplement that eats the fat that you eat.  I imagine little pac-men enjoying my ingested meat loaf and mashed potatoes (today's dinner). I loved it and they will too!

Part of my dilemma is that I am a pretty phe-frickin-nomenal cook! I really know how to take just about anything and make it something delish. That's a real blessing - if you're naturally thin. What I love almost as much as eating my own cuisine, is watching others eat it. I have a friend who laughs when we eat together because I moan, and mmmmmmm and aaaaaahhhh at every bite. I also do that when I get up, sit down, walk, climb stairs and put on my BIGkinis! Let's just say that I want to take all that moaning out of my dinner table, hips and knees etc, to my....OTHER room! ; P 

I have 354 calories remaining for the day. I plan to spend it with my fresh pomagranet seeds, mandarin oranges and cottage cheese! I had that last night. It's deeeeliiiiiisssshhh and filling.

Bon Apetite Ya'll!

Blog Entry #1

If you're reading this I assume you already know me and don't need some long story about how being Lebanese American made me fat. If you don't know me, that's the whole story. Being Lebanese American made me fat.  The same goes for anyone who is Italian American, Greek American, French American, Lithuanian American and your ethnicity here American. The citizens of most other countries are typically NOT fat. It's the American part that gets us.

Lamb kabobs, tabbouleh, fresh green beans and rice are not meant to be followed by Little Debbie Twinkies! And ya know what? Taking them off the market is patronizing bullshit at this stage of the game.

TV dinners, Lipton soup with grilled American cheese, pot pies and city chicken were also Zarzour family favorites, but I promise you that I don't blame my parents for any of my current weight challenges. It's the way it was, and would still be if I had my way. I LOVE those foods and probably always will (accept the TV dinners. I was even a little skeptical at age 6)  Miraculously, I was a very healthy, well proportioned woman for the first 40ish years of my life. I worked out for fun and profit. I taught everything from dance to movement classes and anything in between that was fitness related, from England to Cleveland.  I was a rock! I had an athletes body with a careless mind. I was a vegetarian for about a month back in the 80's but gave that up along with the man who suggested it.

So, like yours, my life's had it's ups and downs. Where my weight is concerned, it's been mostly up. I've gained 60 lbs in the past 9 years, even with great aerobic jobs like Menopause: The Musical for 2 years. None of that hollerin' and hoofin' counter acted the enormous amount of chocolate and post show dinners we (6 female actors) consumed. We were encouraged to eat big to stay at a minimum of size 12 (never thought of that as PLUS sized, but there you go) Our generous producers plied us with chocolate covered everything and we all devoured it. I bit Paula Kline-Messners chocolate covered finger once by accident. Or was it?

Yep, 60 lbs later and I haven't looked back, unless it was to see "What the hell keeps following me?!" Only to discover it was my BIG ASS!

I hate being over weight, mostly because I feel so undesirable to every part of my world; personally and professionally. What? you thought I was going to say "because it's bad for my health"? Sure that's true, but let's get real, as much as I'd love to feel the way I did at 20, I need more love and more work at my current, sage age.

So, here I am. 53 7/8 years old, with a few unhappy relationships, lots of acting/teaching jobs that I'm proud of and many lame diet attempts that I am NOT proud of - but not defeated!

Why am I reporting this so publicly? Because there is a lot more to this "experiment". I have been a thin "hotty" and a fat "sweaty" and while I know it shouldn't matter, I know which is better for me mind, body and soul. I want to share my experience in order to reach out to other men and women in my position in hopes that we all come to finally say "I'm worth the effort".

When I was younger and thinner I'd hear wolf whistles and shout outs like "Hey baby! Let ME give you a workout!" among other "compliments". In the past few years I've been called a "fat bitch" by angry drivers, "a lot of woman" by men twice my size, and told "honey, it isn't your personality that keeps you from dating. It's your weight!" by a family member. These comments have been great reasons to say F__K YOU to all of them, while biting into a corned beef sandwich. With mustard. Maybe horseradish. Definitely fries. I also worked a lot more back then. OK, maybe being thinner would not trump my old age, but I don't think so. I think I would land many more gigs at a smaller size. There just aren't that many roles for larger, middle aged women. Being middle aged is tough enough.

I read Fat Is A Feminist Issue back in the 70's, when I was thin. I got it intellectually, but NOW I get it in my bones and lots of fleshy parts. If you haven't read it. Do. It's still very relevant. There is much more complexity to keeping weight on than there is in putting it on in the first place.

So, if you are like me, struggling to keep your identity, dignity, femininity and sense of humor in good health, I hope you'll follow “Jean's Big Ass Blog!” regardless of your size. It's a way to keep ME accountable/self aware and YOU relating, laughing, crying and then laughing again.

2 days ago, I started taking Green Coffee Bean extract introduced by my new boyfriend, Dr. Oz.  I weighed myself when I started and I can report that as of this morning I lost 2 pounds! I have only seen this sort of result with juicing, which I plan to start again.  (for those interested, I bought 2 bottles of the Nutrigold brand on Amazon. At $28.00 per bottle of 90, it was the best price for one with the Svetol brand ingredient) If I stay on this path of weight loss, exercise is sure to follow. Maybe not the way I used to, but some is better than none at all.

Signing off for now. I have a date with a pot of turmeric tea. It's great for regulating your glycemic index (ya know - yo Sugah!) and it tastes not-so-completely-horrible if you add a mint tea bag to it. MMMMMM!